“How to Stop People Pleasing and Start Honoring Yourself”

By Distinctive Voice Therapy and Wellness

Do you say "yes" when you really want to say "no"? Do you replay conversations in your head, worried if you upset someone by setting a boundary or simply expressing your truth? Do you constantly shrink your needs to make others feel more comfortable?

If that hits you in the gut, you’re not alone. Pleasing people often starts as a survival skill. Maybe you learned early on that being agreeable kept the peace. That making others happy helped you feel safe, seen, or loved. But over time, that protective response can turn into a prison, where your own voice gets quieter and quieter.

It’s time to reclaim your voice. Here’s how.

Step 1: Acknowledge Where It Comes From

People-pleasing isn’t about being “too nice”, it’s about fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of being disliked. Fear of disappointing someone you care about.

Often, it’s rooted in childhood or past environments where love felt conditional. Maybe your needs weren’t validated, or asserting yourself led to punishment or shame. Recognizing this is not to blame anyone, it’s to understand that your nervous system adapted in a way that made sense at the time.

Compassionate Reminder: There’s nothing wrong with you. You were just doing what you thought you had to do to feel safe. But now, safety looks like choosing yourself, too.

Step 2: Start Small with Boundaries

You don’t have to overhaul your whole life overnight. Boundaries don’t have to be loud, harsh, or dramatic, they can be quiet and firm.

• Instead of over-explaining, try: “Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t commit to that right now.”

• Practice pausing before responding. Give yourself permission to check in: “Let me think about that and get back to you.”

• Use text or email if saying “no” face-to-face feels too overwhelming at first.

Compassionate Reminder: You don’t owe anyone access to you at the expense of your peace. “No” is a complete sentence, and it doesn’t make you a bad person.

Step 3: Notice the Guilt…and Keep Going Anyway

Let’s be honest: the first few times you set a boundary, you might feel like the worst person alive. That’s the people-pleasing voice getting nervous. It’s used to keeping you “safe” by avoiding conflict or discomfort.

But guilt ≠ wrong. Guilt is just a signal that you’re doing something new, not that you’re doing something bad.

• Journal through the guilt: “What am I afraid will happen if I put myself first?”

• Reassure your inner child: “We’re allowed to take care of ourselves now. We don’t have to earn love by overgiving.”

Compassionate Reminder: You’re not selfish. You’re healing.

Step 4: Reconnect with What You Want

People pleasers often forget what they even like, want, or need, because so much time has been spent prioritizing everyone else.

• Ask yourself daily: “What do I need right now?”

• Make small decisions for YOU, like what music to play, what food to eat, how you want to spend your free time.

• Reclaim your preferences. You’re allowed to have them.

Compassionate Reminder: You’re not difficult for having desires. You’re human.

Step 5: Surround Yourself with Safe People

The more you practice choosing yourself, the more you’ll notice who supports your growth, and who only liked you when you were convenient.

You deserve relationships that:

• Respect your boundaries

• Don’t guilt you into things

• Celebrate your growth, even when it means saying “no”

Compassionate Reminder: Losing people who benefited from your self-abandonment is not a loss, it’s a recalibration.

You Are Worthy Without Earning It

You don’t have to shape-shift to be loved. You don’t have to exhaust yourself to be accepted. You don’t have to dim your light to keep others comfortable.

Healing from pleasing people isn’t about becoming cold or detached. It’s about becoming whole again. It’s about learning that your needs, feelings, and voice matter, just as much as anyone else’s.

And that’s not selfish. That’s self-honoring. That’s freedom.

Written by: Alysia Heard